Post by Milah on May 13, 2016 17:08:00 GMT 1
Moments in time, were simply that. Moments. Whether good or bad, it was made up of moments. Some good, some not so good. All she had was faith that all would work itself. There was pain, there was hatred there was so many different feelings that she felt like it was all going to crash around her. Abandoning her baby boy, was the hardest thing as a mom that she could have ever done. She didn't deserve half of what she had now, but she wanted to make up for it, for being the reason her son was in so much pain.
Being gone, out of Baelfire's life for as long as she had, that she was absolutely terrified. She was too late. She was too late to be his mother. To have him want or need her. Her world was two centuries in the past. She hadn't known that when she left her boy she would never see him again. Most of it, was just because of how angry she had been at Rumple. She was now as lost as she had felt from the moment that she had walked away from the home she once shared with Rumple and Baelfire.
Then, there was no happily ever after, but could there be one now? Rumple was remarried and she was glad to see it. And even Hook seemed to have someone from what it sounded like. But did she have a place here? Or was she simply meant to help then go back to the life she'd had in the Underworld. If it would make a world of difference to her son, to her family to die to protect them, she'd do it. After all she'd died once, and that pain, was quick compared to the one that would be coming for her. If Hades got his hands on her.
There were no choices in any of this. She had been lost without a cause. Without knowing which way to turn. She was nothing now. Both her former loves seemed to have moved on without her, and she had a son that clearly didn't want nor need her there. She was a shadow of the woman she had once been. A woman that had given it all up for a chance for love, for happiness.
Happiness which had been as fleeting as it had been when she had died. Each kiss, each memory was ingrained inside her own head. Loving could hurt, but it was the only thing that she had known that could make her feel alive. No matter how hard...or destructive as it was. Even though the memories were good, it had broken her heart to know of the damage she'd inflicted. Because a part of her was gone without her son. Without his love and acceptance of her now. Could it get easier? She'd failed so many times, in so many ways. Choices were not always easy. Or were easy to make.
It was crazy how much different things could have been instead of how they once were. She didn't want to keep fighting her emotions, to keep it all in check. She now was back. Back among the living and she would take what she could get, if she had to sacrifice her life, giving up everything even her own life for the people she loved then so be it. Because as she was often reminded it might all be gone tomorrow. When she had given birth to Baelfire, she had never imagined that she would five years later walk out of his life the way that she had. To never know what would become of her son.
To give up on a man whom she was married to. Even all those years ago, when she'd lost her son, to a life that was much different than she had ever imagined. She didn't think she would have to lose her life and have two centuries pass before that came to fruition. Now of course she stood alone, with no one to really and truly care about her the way she wished. But that was her punishment.
When it came to her son, she had made more mistakes, had broken more promises but she didn't want to do it anymore. She may not have always been there but that didn't mean she didn't love him. Love transcended anything, even death. Despite all the pain that was caused. Had she known that she wouldn't see her son for years, or centuries she wouldn't have ever let him go. Wouldn't have even dared to put her son through that without telling him everything. Without letting him decide whether he stayed with his papa or if he went with her. She wanted him now, had always wanted him.
She didn't expect nor deserve forgiveness. It had not been as easy as choosing Hook over her son. She had wanted him there, but there wasn't time and she figured that he needed his father first and that she'd be able to come get him in time. How could she have known that in that moment, where she had boarded the Jolly Roger, that she'd die, without seeing him again? What she wished she could do was hold onto her son, to just give him a hug and tell him it would all be alright. Because she regretted leaving her son, and had hated herself for it. For hurting him in quite the way she did. Taking a deep breath she didn't know what to think or even how to feel. When she'd first left on the ship she thought at most she'd be gone maybe a few months. Then be back for a visit. It was her own fault of course, but it didn't stop her from thinking of him. Because she wanted to go but she wanted to stay. But ultimately the desire for love, for adventure had won out. Even though that was a fate that was worse than death.
Dying seemed to be easier than to watch as her son continued to hate her. It had broken her spirit, whatever was left of it anyway, to see her son like this. It killed her. Even though she was already dead. Pirate or not, Killian was a good man. She just wasn't good enough to stay with the position she had been given. With a marriage that had fallen apart. Even though her son was worth it. Even though the truth remained, she had made many mistakes. As a wife she'd failed, losing sight of what a marriage was. As a mother, she had screwed up in more ways than humanly possible. She'd crossed a line, one in which she couldn't turn back from. "I have made many mistakes, in my life. Mistakes that I cannot even come close to redeeming. Because when I abandoned you, I also abandoned your father. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I did it because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted you to be with your father, because at least in the village you would have your education. You'd have your papa and be happy. Whereas on the ship with me, there's no telling what you would have had. You and I would have been together but as far as your education was concerned I don't know if you would have gotten it. I regret not being there for you the way I should have been. When I died, all hope of being reuited with you died as well. I can't erase the pain from your heart or head that I caused not just overnight but over two centuries worth. I failed in the most basic of ways, in the most basic of human condition. You needed me to be there, and I was so consumed with getting away from your father that I thought it would be easier for all of us. But with you--it's not just the fact that I regret leaving you, it's the fact that I regret not having a bond with you. The way a parent should have with their child. I suppose in a lot of ways I missed out on not just your life--you growing up but on a chance to be there for you the way I should have been. I feel like a fool for having given up on you, for having walked away when I should have fought harder. Fought harder to stay in your life, even if I was done with your father's. I keep playing that last moment with you over and over in my head, wishing I could change it. Wishing that I would have woken you up, left you a note. Something. I don't stand a chance with having a happy ending because everything I've touched, everything I've done, I've destroyed. You don't need to kill, to become a villain. I was a pirate. I did what I had to do. And yet, you know what scared me the most--was as each day passed, the hope of being reunited with you dimmed. Though I never gave up that somehow, some way....we'd find each other again. I wouldn't trade anything for this. For seeing your face one more time, even if it is just for you to tell me how much you hate me." She was willing to walk away if that was what he wanted her to do.
Because how could one lose the pain that was not just done over a matter of days but almost an entire lifetime? It had been two centuries since she last felt like a mother, felt like she could be a good person for her son. But had failed. Much like everyone expected her to. Much like she let herself become. The truth hurt. But this wasn't about her. This was about her son. About what he wanted and what he needed. No matter how much she'd wanted to have time with her son, but how could she do that without coming across as a villain. Because only a villain would do the kinds of things she had. Because like it or not, she was coming to terms with everything. Every dishonorable act she had done. The biggest problem, was of course her actions spoke louder than her words. "I had wanted more than what I gave you. I had hoped to see you, to spend time with you. I was afraid. Because I knew by going onto the ship...what I was doing. I had hoped to be back soon. I did not know that when I left I would never get a second chance. To see you. I thought maybe a couple months and we'd be back because Killian had always said he came to our port often. I trusted that. I made some serious lack of judgement decisions, when I chose to be with Killian. I had wanted to write, but I didn't know how to get it to you. Because--well there's not a lot of ways to mail something when you're out at sea. I would have given anything to have spent more time with you when I'd had the chance when you were a boy. But I also know that if things hadn't happened the way they did, chances are you wouldn't have met the woman who had your son, or even have had your son at all. Fate may work in mysterious ways but it always works. I know you don't feel safe with me, or that you're able to trust me because of what I've done and I'm sorry. I failed you in more ways than one. I could have made the choice to stay and I regret not doing so. You needed me and I wasn't there for you at all. But in the end my betrayal....destroyed the only thing that mattered. My family. And all for what?" A fact that bothered her to no end. She sighed as she looked toward her son. What she wanted now mattered none. What her son wanted now was what she would do. If he asked her to leave, if he asked her to cross the town line and leave him forever she would. Because a life--or whatever this was, without her son...she couldn't even picture it. But she'd do what he wanted. Because she was willing to give him the choice. The choice to decide what happened between them, instead of making all the choices herself.
Neal Cassidy
Being gone, out of Baelfire's life for as long as she had, that she was absolutely terrified. She was too late. She was too late to be his mother. To have him want or need her. Her world was two centuries in the past. She hadn't known that when she left her boy she would never see him again. Most of it, was just because of how angry she had been at Rumple. She was now as lost as she had felt from the moment that she had walked away from the home she once shared with Rumple and Baelfire.
Then, there was no happily ever after, but could there be one now? Rumple was remarried and she was glad to see it. And even Hook seemed to have someone from what it sounded like. But did she have a place here? Or was she simply meant to help then go back to the life she'd had in the Underworld. If it would make a world of difference to her son, to her family to die to protect them, she'd do it. After all she'd died once, and that pain, was quick compared to the one that would be coming for her. If Hades got his hands on her.
There were no choices in any of this. She had been lost without a cause. Without knowing which way to turn. She was nothing now. Both her former loves seemed to have moved on without her, and she had a son that clearly didn't want nor need her there. She was a shadow of the woman she had once been. A woman that had given it all up for a chance for love, for happiness.
Happiness which had been as fleeting as it had been when she had died. Each kiss, each memory was ingrained inside her own head. Loving could hurt, but it was the only thing that she had known that could make her feel alive. No matter how hard...or destructive as it was. Even though the memories were good, it had broken her heart to know of the damage she'd inflicted. Because a part of her was gone without her son. Without his love and acceptance of her now. Could it get easier? She'd failed so many times, in so many ways. Choices were not always easy. Or were easy to make.
It was crazy how much different things could have been instead of how they once were. She didn't want to keep fighting her emotions, to keep it all in check. She now was back. Back among the living and she would take what she could get, if she had to sacrifice her life, giving up everything even her own life for the people she loved then so be it. Because as she was often reminded it might all be gone tomorrow. When she had given birth to Baelfire, she had never imagined that she would five years later walk out of his life the way that she had. To never know what would become of her son.
To give up on a man whom she was married to. Even all those years ago, when she'd lost her son, to a life that was much different than she had ever imagined. She didn't think she would have to lose her life and have two centuries pass before that came to fruition. Now of course she stood alone, with no one to really and truly care about her the way she wished. But that was her punishment.
When it came to her son, she had made more mistakes, had broken more promises but she didn't want to do it anymore. She may not have always been there but that didn't mean she didn't love him. Love transcended anything, even death. Despite all the pain that was caused. Had she known that she wouldn't see her son for years, or centuries she wouldn't have ever let him go. Wouldn't have even dared to put her son through that without telling him everything. Without letting him decide whether he stayed with his papa or if he went with her. She wanted him now, had always wanted him.
She didn't expect nor deserve forgiveness. It had not been as easy as choosing Hook over her son. She had wanted him there, but there wasn't time and she figured that he needed his father first and that she'd be able to come get him in time. How could she have known that in that moment, where she had boarded the Jolly Roger, that she'd die, without seeing him again? What she wished she could do was hold onto her son, to just give him a hug and tell him it would all be alright. Because she regretted leaving her son, and had hated herself for it. For hurting him in quite the way she did. Taking a deep breath she didn't know what to think or even how to feel. When she'd first left on the ship she thought at most she'd be gone maybe a few months. Then be back for a visit. It was her own fault of course, but it didn't stop her from thinking of him. Because she wanted to go but she wanted to stay. But ultimately the desire for love, for adventure had won out. Even though that was a fate that was worse than death.
Dying seemed to be easier than to watch as her son continued to hate her. It had broken her spirit, whatever was left of it anyway, to see her son like this. It killed her. Even though she was already dead. Pirate or not, Killian was a good man. She just wasn't good enough to stay with the position she had been given. With a marriage that had fallen apart. Even though her son was worth it. Even though the truth remained, she had made many mistakes. As a wife she'd failed, losing sight of what a marriage was. As a mother, she had screwed up in more ways than humanly possible. She'd crossed a line, one in which she couldn't turn back from. "I have made many mistakes, in my life. Mistakes that I cannot even come close to redeeming. Because when I abandoned you, I also abandoned your father. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I did it because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted you to be with your father, because at least in the village you would have your education. You'd have your papa and be happy. Whereas on the ship with me, there's no telling what you would have had. You and I would have been together but as far as your education was concerned I don't know if you would have gotten it. I regret not being there for you the way I should have been. When I died, all hope of being reuited with you died as well. I can't erase the pain from your heart or head that I caused not just overnight but over two centuries worth. I failed in the most basic of ways, in the most basic of human condition. You needed me to be there, and I was so consumed with getting away from your father that I thought it would be easier for all of us. But with you--it's not just the fact that I regret leaving you, it's the fact that I regret not having a bond with you. The way a parent should have with their child. I suppose in a lot of ways I missed out on not just your life--you growing up but on a chance to be there for you the way I should have been. I feel like a fool for having given up on you, for having walked away when I should have fought harder. Fought harder to stay in your life, even if I was done with your father's. I keep playing that last moment with you over and over in my head, wishing I could change it. Wishing that I would have woken you up, left you a note. Something. I don't stand a chance with having a happy ending because everything I've touched, everything I've done, I've destroyed. You don't need to kill, to become a villain. I was a pirate. I did what I had to do. And yet, you know what scared me the most--was as each day passed, the hope of being reunited with you dimmed. Though I never gave up that somehow, some way....we'd find each other again. I wouldn't trade anything for this. For seeing your face one more time, even if it is just for you to tell me how much you hate me." She was willing to walk away if that was what he wanted her to do.
Because how could one lose the pain that was not just done over a matter of days but almost an entire lifetime? It had been two centuries since she last felt like a mother, felt like she could be a good person for her son. But had failed. Much like everyone expected her to. Much like she let herself become. The truth hurt. But this wasn't about her. This was about her son. About what he wanted and what he needed. No matter how much she'd wanted to have time with her son, but how could she do that without coming across as a villain. Because only a villain would do the kinds of things she had. Because like it or not, she was coming to terms with everything. Every dishonorable act she had done. The biggest problem, was of course her actions spoke louder than her words. "I had wanted more than what I gave you. I had hoped to see you, to spend time with you. I was afraid. Because I knew by going onto the ship...what I was doing. I had hoped to be back soon. I did not know that when I left I would never get a second chance. To see you. I thought maybe a couple months and we'd be back because Killian had always said he came to our port often. I trusted that. I made some serious lack of judgement decisions, when I chose to be with Killian. I had wanted to write, but I didn't know how to get it to you. Because--well there's not a lot of ways to mail something when you're out at sea. I would have given anything to have spent more time with you when I'd had the chance when you were a boy. But I also know that if things hadn't happened the way they did, chances are you wouldn't have met the woman who had your son, or even have had your son at all. Fate may work in mysterious ways but it always works. I know you don't feel safe with me, or that you're able to trust me because of what I've done and I'm sorry. I failed you in more ways than one. I could have made the choice to stay and I regret not doing so. You needed me and I wasn't there for you at all. But in the end my betrayal....destroyed the only thing that mattered. My family. And all for what?" A fact that bothered her to no end. She sighed as she looked toward her son. What she wanted now mattered none. What her son wanted now was what she would do. If he asked her to leave, if he asked her to cross the town line and leave him forever she would. Because a life--or whatever this was, without her son...she couldn't even picture it. But she'd do what he wanted. Because she was willing to give him the choice. The choice to decide what happened between them, instead of making all the choices herself.
Neal Cassidy