Post by Milah on May 7, 2016 4:37:31 GMT 1
Two centuries. That was how long ago it had taken for her world to completely shatter in a thousand different pieces. It may have seemed like she hadn't loved her son at all when she had left the day she had. But in reality she wasn't sure what was the right course of action when it came to him. She longed to have him with her, but she didn't think he'd agree to it, and she knew his father would never allow it. She often had talked to Killian about going back, but the storms always seemed to make that difficult. Either way she hadn't had a way to navigate back to the village where her son was, until just right before she died, that was when she had finally learned how. But by then it was just simply too late.
But not a day went by that she didn't think of her son, or how much she loved him. It may seem ridiculous to him as to how she could love him despite not being there for him, but it was nevertheless true. Loving her son was the easiest thing in the world. Staying was the harder part, because of his father. Because of the choices that Rumple had made that impacted her. Impacted her in a way that her son wouldn't even understand then. Falling in love with Killian was as easy as breathing. It was his charisma, not just his stories that she'd fallen in love with. He was there for her in a way Rumple never was. Or hadn't been for so long. Dying to save the one she loved, well she would do it all over again. Forgiveness was something that she didn't ultimately expect though it would be nice. It was her own fault that she had lost out on time with her son. Because she had followed her love, followed her heart to the Jolly Roger. And that, she never regretted even though losing her son, was the biggest regret of her life. She didn't know if her son would ever give her another chance, but she had hope. No matter how fleeting. Though right now, her own family was now estranged. She lost not only her son when she died, but her beloved.
Something she was afraid of in it's own capacity. It was strange, being back...being alive after all that time. She no longer had the same hatred for the man that she was once married to. She hadn't been able to tell him the truth anymore than she had been able to tell Rumple the truth either. When she had initially left, she hadn't told Rumple she was leaving, making him believe she was dead. Of course, she hadn't known that he had actually come to stop her, to get her back. The memory of course flashed to the moments before she had died, at Rumple's hand. She had been wrong to lie to him, that she had been the coward. It was hard to believe when Rumple had pulled her heart out of her chest and then crushed it. She knew her death had impacted Killian more so than it had Rumple. But then the truth was she had gone into the Underworld right after. Protecting the dead children was exactly what she was assigned to do.
And she had done it up until Rumple had given her a second chance, no matter if he had intended to do so or not. Thinking of the moment when she had left her son, it was hard. Visiting was something she wanted to do, but how could she when she didn't know how? She should have been stronger, not only to tell Rumple the truth, but more importantly for her son. For him to know that she loved him and that even though she was going far away that she would be back when she could. Maybe he could have convinced her to stay or there could have been another option. Never had she thought by her leaving that it would send both her former husband and her son into a life neither wanted. Nor deserved.
Ever since she had left the village, she had grown stronger. Felt more like the person she had wanted to be instead of being latched to the village coward. She realized after all these years, that she often said things she regretted when she had drank. There were moments of course she realized that things weren't as simple as they once were. Had she known then that Rumple had made an effort to collect her maybe things would have been different. But she didn't regret one thing, making sure Killian lived even if she couldn't.
It was hard to put into words just the kind of life she was leaving behind. Becoming a pirate was perhaps the easiest transition in the world. Because it felt natural. Almost as natural as breathing. Of course, there were things she needed to have done differently but there was no going back to doing so. The biggest punishment was knowing how her son was impacted by all of this. She hadn't been afraid of Rumple, even though she had known he was the Dark One. Even when she had tried to apologize to Rumple when she'd first seen him after so many years but it hadn't been important.
She didn't know about the world now as she once did. What she had known was the last time she had seen Rumple before her death, their son would have been almost fourteen. But, it had been a surprise that when Rumple had come to the area in which she was, that her boy hadn't been with him. She'd wanted to ask but she knew how Rumple's temper had been. Of course what caused her death wasn't simply saying that not a day had gone by that she hadn't regretted leaving her son, but it was the fact that she'd never loved Rumple that had gotten her killed. In still some ways, she had been haunted by that moment. Of seeing her own heart being ripped out of her chest, but the only solace she had in that, was the fact it was her own and not the man she loved. That his heart was safe. Even if it would be broken completely with her own death. Being back to life as it were, it hadn't stopped the nightmares. Of what her life had been and what it had led to.
She had been weak, in a lot of ways. Not only in the belief that abandoning her family was the better option than staying, but it was something else. She hadn't been strong enough to give her son the option, the choice he had deserved even then. It was that moment that forever had sealed her fate. Something she didn't exactly regret. Death was easy, living with the memory, the nightmares, that was more cruel.
It was hard to say what would have happened had she not taken the chance to leave when she did. Love could hurt but it could also heal. Over the years she had hoped to reconcile with her son. With the hope that he would be alive, and safe. She had once written to him as well, but those letters would not have made much difference then. Now, they might. She didn't have the magic to bring them back to the surface as they had been washed away just as her body had been after her death. "I know, I could have tried more than what I did. Initially I had wanted to work on my marriage with your father. The thing that was the final straw was when he took a choice from me. I could have been happy there, Bae if I would have been given a choice. Your father took everything from me. He knew when we married that I wanted to see the world and not be forced to just stick to the same routine. I didn't mean just moving constantly. He hadn't ever wanted me to even leave the house. So when I went to the tavern it caused a distance between us. More so than it had caused you and me. I know, that I should have done things better, or at least in a way that made more sense to both of you. I was afraid, to be honest. Killian once said something that has always stuck with me. "A person unwilling to fight for what they want deserves what they get." I can't change what I have done. What I wanted, is slightly different from what I got. Mostly because I didn't live by the code, I wanted to. It wasn't about me being a hero. I just I didn't want to be a coward, and I didn't want your father to be one either. Even though I was a pirate, before I died, I never killed anyone. Now killing is beyond bad, but what I did, abandoning my family is right up there with it. Your father shouldn't have had to kill anyone, let alone the way he killed me, and cut of Killian's hand afterwords. My death was basically a deal gone bad."
Now it was clear, that well frankly things might have been better if she had never left. And had she not been denied choices she might have been a little less unwilling to leave when she had. But in a way she never regretted that choice. Because she loved Killian more than life itself, and there was only one person in the world she loved more than that. Baelfire--or Neal as he went now.
Still she had issues without knowing how to show it. "I don't know how to love very well. Or at least I've never been very good at showing it. I am sorry that I didn't take the advantage, to be there for you when you needed me. I can't make up for what I've done. Because no matter what I say, it doesn't erase what I've done in the past. Nor do I expect it. I should never have given up. Not on this, on you and me. What happened between your father and I, is something I don't necessarily regret. But what happened between you and I, I do regret." Taking a deep breath she looked right at her son. Words were hard to form. She didn't want to think about this. She wanted to forget, and yet she couldn't.
"I didn't know that. I didn't--take the time to really know him the way I should have despite how long I was married to him. We fought so much, and I--I just didn't see how he could. Because I wasn't the easiest person to love. To even tolerate most days. Leaving your father was hard, yes. Losing you, however there are no words for what that is like. No of course, I didn't. I knew there might be some time in between visits, yes, but did I think for one moment we'd never come back to the village? No. Absolutely not. If I had known, I wouldn't have left. Not the way I did. We don't have an option, not this time. There's no guarantees. Not even with magic. But what I do know is where there is a will there is a way. I'd gladly give my life to ensure that my family was safe. Even someone I've never met." With that she was talking about her own grandson, but what mattered now was to ensure that Hades couldn't do any more damage. The fact that they were out of the Underworld mattered little. Hades would be coming after them it was only a matter of time. It didn't matter what it took, she would fight until she no longer could. "Until Hades is gone, we have no other choice but to work together. He'll be back and when he does, we have a fight on our hands, one that is not going to end well, in the least." She replied, with absolute certainty, knowing it was true.
Neal Cassidy
But not a day went by that she didn't think of her son, or how much she loved him. It may seem ridiculous to him as to how she could love him despite not being there for him, but it was nevertheless true. Loving her son was the easiest thing in the world. Staying was the harder part, because of his father. Because of the choices that Rumple had made that impacted her. Impacted her in a way that her son wouldn't even understand then. Falling in love with Killian was as easy as breathing. It was his charisma, not just his stories that she'd fallen in love with. He was there for her in a way Rumple never was. Or hadn't been for so long. Dying to save the one she loved, well she would do it all over again. Forgiveness was something that she didn't ultimately expect though it would be nice. It was her own fault that she had lost out on time with her son. Because she had followed her love, followed her heart to the Jolly Roger. And that, she never regretted even though losing her son, was the biggest regret of her life. She didn't know if her son would ever give her another chance, but she had hope. No matter how fleeting. Though right now, her own family was now estranged. She lost not only her son when she died, but her beloved.
Something she was afraid of in it's own capacity. It was strange, being back...being alive after all that time. She no longer had the same hatred for the man that she was once married to. She hadn't been able to tell him the truth anymore than she had been able to tell Rumple the truth either. When she had initially left, she hadn't told Rumple she was leaving, making him believe she was dead. Of course, she hadn't known that he had actually come to stop her, to get her back. The memory of course flashed to the moments before she had died, at Rumple's hand. She had been wrong to lie to him, that she had been the coward. It was hard to believe when Rumple had pulled her heart out of her chest and then crushed it. She knew her death had impacted Killian more so than it had Rumple. But then the truth was she had gone into the Underworld right after. Protecting the dead children was exactly what she was assigned to do.
And she had done it up until Rumple had given her a second chance, no matter if he had intended to do so or not. Thinking of the moment when she had left her son, it was hard. Visiting was something she wanted to do, but how could she when she didn't know how? She should have been stronger, not only to tell Rumple the truth, but more importantly for her son. For him to know that she loved him and that even though she was going far away that she would be back when she could. Maybe he could have convinced her to stay or there could have been another option. Never had she thought by her leaving that it would send both her former husband and her son into a life neither wanted. Nor deserved.
Ever since she had left the village, she had grown stronger. Felt more like the person she had wanted to be instead of being latched to the village coward. She realized after all these years, that she often said things she regretted when she had drank. There were moments of course she realized that things weren't as simple as they once were. Had she known then that Rumple had made an effort to collect her maybe things would have been different. But she didn't regret one thing, making sure Killian lived even if she couldn't.
It was hard to put into words just the kind of life she was leaving behind. Becoming a pirate was perhaps the easiest transition in the world. Because it felt natural. Almost as natural as breathing. Of course, there were things she needed to have done differently but there was no going back to doing so. The biggest punishment was knowing how her son was impacted by all of this. She hadn't been afraid of Rumple, even though she had known he was the Dark One. Even when she had tried to apologize to Rumple when she'd first seen him after so many years but it hadn't been important.
She didn't know about the world now as she once did. What she had known was the last time she had seen Rumple before her death, their son would have been almost fourteen. But, it had been a surprise that when Rumple had come to the area in which she was, that her boy hadn't been with him. She'd wanted to ask but she knew how Rumple's temper had been. Of course what caused her death wasn't simply saying that not a day had gone by that she hadn't regretted leaving her son, but it was the fact that she'd never loved Rumple that had gotten her killed. In still some ways, she had been haunted by that moment. Of seeing her own heart being ripped out of her chest, but the only solace she had in that, was the fact it was her own and not the man she loved. That his heart was safe. Even if it would be broken completely with her own death. Being back to life as it were, it hadn't stopped the nightmares. Of what her life had been and what it had led to.
She had been weak, in a lot of ways. Not only in the belief that abandoning her family was the better option than staying, but it was something else. She hadn't been strong enough to give her son the option, the choice he had deserved even then. It was that moment that forever had sealed her fate. Something she didn't exactly regret. Death was easy, living with the memory, the nightmares, that was more cruel.
It was hard to say what would have happened had she not taken the chance to leave when she did. Love could hurt but it could also heal. Over the years she had hoped to reconcile with her son. With the hope that he would be alive, and safe. She had once written to him as well, but those letters would not have made much difference then. Now, they might. She didn't have the magic to bring them back to the surface as they had been washed away just as her body had been after her death. "I know, I could have tried more than what I did. Initially I had wanted to work on my marriage with your father. The thing that was the final straw was when he took a choice from me. I could have been happy there, Bae if I would have been given a choice. Your father took everything from me. He knew when we married that I wanted to see the world and not be forced to just stick to the same routine. I didn't mean just moving constantly. He hadn't ever wanted me to even leave the house. So when I went to the tavern it caused a distance between us. More so than it had caused you and me. I know, that I should have done things better, or at least in a way that made more sense to both of you. I was afraid, to be honest. Killian once said something that has always stuck with me. "A person unwilling to fight for what they want deserves what they get." I can't change what I have done. What I wanted, is slightly different from what I got. Mostly because I didn't live by the code, I wanted to. It wasn't about me being a hero. I just I didn't want to be a coward, and I didn't want your father to be one either. Even though I was a pirate, before I died, I never killed anyone. Now killing is beyond bad, but what I did, abandoning my family is right up there with it. Your father shouldn't have had to kill anyone, let alone the way he killed me, and cut of Killian's hand afterwords. My death was basically a deal gone bad."
Now it was clear, that well frankly things might have been better if she had never left. And had she not been denied choices she might have been a little less unwilling to leave when she had. But in a way she never regretted that choice. Because she loved Killian more than life itself, and there was only one person in the world she loved more than that. Baelfire--or Neal as he went now.
Still she had issues without knowing how to show it. "I don't know how to love very well. Or at least I've never been very good at showing it. I am sorry that I didn't take the advantage, to be there for you when you needed me. I can't make up for what I've done. Because no matter what I say, it doesn't erase what I've done in the past. Nor do I expect it. I should never have given up. Not on this, on you and me. What happened between your father and I, is something I don't necessarily regret. But what happened between you and I, I do regret." Taking a deep breath she looked right at her son. Words were hard to form. She didn't want to think about this. She wanted to forget, and yet she couldn't.
"I didn't know that. I didn't--take the time to really know him the way I should have despite how long I was married to him. We fought so much, and I--I just didn't see how he could. Because I wasn't the easiest person to love. To even tolerate most days. Leaving your father was hard, yes. Losing you, however there are no words for what that is like. No of course, I didn't. I knew there might be some time in between visits, yes, but did I think for one moment we'd never come back to the village? No. Absolutely not. If I had known, I wouldn't have left. Not the way I did. We don't have an option, not this time. There's no guarantees. Not even with magic. But what I do know is where there is a will there is a way. I'd gladly give my life to ensure that my family was safe. Even someone I've never met." With that she was talking about her own grandson, but what mattered now was to ensure that Hades couldn't do any more damage. The fact that they were out of the Underworld mattered little. Hades would be coming after them it was only a matter of time. It didn't matter what it took, she would fight until she no longer could. "Until Hades is gone, we have no other choice but to work together. He'll be back and when he does, we have a fight on our hands, one that is not going to end well, in the least." She replied, with absolute certainty, knowing it was true.
Neal Cassidy